It’s a romantic thought: to be in love with your partner until old age. For some, growing old happily together isn’t a fairytale, but reality. What’s their recipe?


he concept of “life partners” is gaining a lot of attention these days. New relationship models like polyamory are slowly appealing to a growing number of people. Going through life’s stages or life itself as a single person doesn’t have to be a deprivation. And yet, many people, when they enter into a new relationship, hope that it will last and that they will grow old together with their partner.

What do older couples do right?


Numerous factors influence a happy relationship, and not all of them are within our control. But is there a recipe that older couples have followed that helps them continue to value, respect, and love each other even in advanced age? Certified psychologist Sarah Willeke works as a systemic coach and couples therapist. In this interview, she shares what we can positively influence in a relationship.

Ms. Willeke, what can we learn from older, happy couples? Why do some manage to stay together for life and others don’t? Is there a magic formula?

Let’s assume that the relationship has already existed for some time and has a good foundation. In the long term, it is important to stay in touch with each other on an emotional and factual level. Reflecting on what we have in common, seeing ourselves as a team in life – that can be very supportive. But it is also important to consciously see each other as individuals. We should be aware of our partner’s needs – and, on the other hand, be able to clearly express our own needs. An example of how this can be achieved: showing genuine interest in our partner’s life, for example in their daily work, hobbies, or whatever is currently on the other person’s mind. We should be willing to show this interest even after many years of being in a relationship.

Feeling seen, seeing your partner and his/her needs, and acknowledging the feelings expressed: I would say that is the key to a long, happy relationship.

Paying attention to your own needs and those of your partner, showing interest – that is not always easy and in all situations…

Of course not. Life changes or difficult phases can seriously shake up a relationship. But even here, it’s possible for a couple to overcome these challenges. “Positive communication” creates the conditions. This means remaining open and willing to talk, articulating feelings in “I” messages, actively listening, showing appreciation, and offering each other support. This creates trust and security, and a relationship can ultimately emerge stronger from a period of conflict.

But the fact is: staying together for a long time doesn’t necessarily mean being happy. The desire to hold on to what exists can be so strong that one accepts one’s own dissatisfaction. If conflicts continue to fester and can no longer be resolved independently, outside help, such as couples therapy, can make a meaningful contribution and help improve the quality of the relationship.

In a long-term relationship, does something need to constantly change or evolve? Or should some things remain constant to provide stability?

Life itself is dynamic. This naturally affects the relationship and demands further development. This usually happens in small, imperceptible ways. When couples look back, however, they recognize their development. This is best illustrated by life stages or critical events. For example, retirement, the departure of shared children, or a serious illness can interrupt the perceived stability and shift existing roles. It is precisely at these points that couples often realize that they need to reorient and reorganize their relationship, which, in the best case, corresponds to further development on an emotional and functional level.

It’s valuable when the relationship itself represents the constant in life, but the relationship is constantly evolving, even if not always consciously perceptible. Routines, however, provide security, as sequences of action no longer need to be planned and discussed. They can be a pleasant constant that provides support.

Can you tell early on that your relationship with your current partner isn’t meant to last forever?

At the beginning of a relationship, attraction is often the main focus. This can last for a long time, but is not sufficient on its own for a long-term partnership. As a result, most breakups occur within the first year. Studies have shown that opposites do attract, but in the long run, “birds of a feather flock together.” Shared interests, similar values, and goals in life bring people together and lead to fewer conflicts because there is less negotiation or discussion required. This explains the higher perceived quality of the relationship. If I notice that I am constantly putting my own needs aside so that my partner’s needs are met, that can be an initial indication. Frequent discussions about attitudes, which are usually based on values, can also be a sign. Values ​​are hardly negotiable; they are deeply rooted in us as humans.

Does a “failed” relationship, or let’s just say an ended relationship, represent a failure?

I strongly disagree with that. In most cases, a lot of effort has been made to avoid a separation. It usually takes a lot more courage for a couple to admit that a separation is the better way forward. Deciding to leave and letting go of what is familiar is a process that can sometimes take a long time and requires a lot of strength and insight. A separation is a painful experience for both the person being left and the person leaving – even if it is usually amicable. But it can also be liberating and, in the long term, offers the chance of a happier future. Therefore, in some cases we can also view a separation as an act of self-care.