If you understand the human need behind the desire for emotional exclusivity, you can understand why jealousy is not only a burden, but sometimes a necessity. Psychotherapist Dr. Krüger explains.

With this verse, Austrian writer Franz Grillprazer expressed what many couples feel. Jealousy is the addiction to emotional control that, unfortunately, far too often spirals out of control.

The painful feeling of losing another person’s love or recognition can push people into emotionally extreme situations. They read their partner’s text messages, spy on them, or try to forbid them from having contact with others. In the worst cases, these oppressive feelings can drive people to extremes. US scientists believe that almost one in four murders is committed out of pathological jealousy.

Is jealousy an addiction?

In fact, the gnawing feeling can be tantamount to a state of intoxication. As the root word suggests, jealousy can actually be a form of addiction. However, not all jealous behavior is pathological.

It can also be useful, as Dr. Wolfgang Krüger, psychotherapist and author of the book “The Secret of Loyalty,” explains: “One must distinguish between mild, moderate, and pathological jealousy. The mild form is a legitimate warning signal when love is threatened. Only pathological jealousy is a serious addictive behavior. People who struggle with the latter often felt too little loved in childhood. They constantly feel that their love might be threatened and have a great fear of loss. And so they circle around their partner nonstop, addictively.”

The term jealousy, used to describe excessive suspicion, has its origins in Old High German. The word is also composed of “eiver” (meaning “harshness” or “bitterness”) and “suht” (meaning “plague”). Today we know that jealousy has a dual meaning: It is a guardian of love, but can also take on pathological traits and destroy what it seeks to protect.

Innate or socially learned?

The topic of jealousy not only concerns many couples, but scientists are also investigating the origins and causes of jealous behavior. While it was once long assumed that jealousy was exclusively a socially influenced and learned (and therefore influenceable) form of behavior, we now know that the predisposition to jealousy is literally instilled in us at birth.

An  experiment  showed that even babies exhibit jealous behavior if their parents spend too long or too intensely with a lifelike baby doll. Researchers concluded that jealousy is genetically ingrained in humans—and therefore must have a biological purpose and a right to exist.

Men and women are jealous in different ways

For a long time, scientists also believed that the difference between female and male jealousy was rooted in biological inheritance. According to this theory, women react more intensely to their partners’ emotional infidelity, while men are more jealous of physical infidelity.

This difference is explained by women’s need for conscientious and comprehensive protection, which originates primarily in an emotional and social bond. In men, however, jealous behavior has served since time immemorial to ensure that only their own genetic material is passed on to their chosen woman.

Two genders, the same feeling

However, recent studies have shown that the biologically determined jealous behavior of men and women today differs only minimally. In fact, the same brain processes occur in both sexes when they encounter a jealous situation. Whether physical or emotional infidelity is the cause of the negative feelings is irrelevant to brain activity.

From a biological perspective, both appear to be almost identical in their jealous behavior. Nevertheless, there are differences between male and female behavior on this topic. For example, women actually react more strongly to emotional infidelity than men. This is especially evident in societies where women are heavily dependent on their husbands.

Financially dependent women need to maintain their emotional exclusivity more than independent women, which is why they adapt their jealous behavior accordingly. Conversely, the phenomenon of “honor killings” in other societies demonstrates how culture can also control our emotions. In this respect, science concludes that jealousy, while biologically rooted in us, is dependent on our social and cultural environment.

Fight jealousy or accept it?

The fact that the expression of jealousy is linked to societal value systems suggests that an individual’s jealous behavior can also be shaped by adapting their own and/or societal moral concept of fidelity. According to the motto: When  infidelity  loses its reputation, the oppressive feelings will finally be over. Sounds good, but it doesn’t work quite so easily.

We’ve known since the student movements of the late 1960s that Mother Nature (and thus our own emotions) aren’t so easily tricked. Back then, an entire generation tried to promote free love and combat and collectively abolish emotional nuisances—a great idea, but unfortunately without lasting success. Jealousy-free polygamy failed to gain traction.

Dr. Krüger knows the reason for clinging to  monogamous relationships : “Such strong feelings simply can’t be switched off. And usually, they can’t be repressed or easily fought either. They aren’t just a burden, but sometimes a necessity. We need them to see our uniqueness and importance confirmed, and also to have a warning sign when the stability of our relationship is faltering.”

Emancipation versus jealousy

If we need jealousy as a warning signal, even a lack of it can be problematic for a relationship. After all, if we don’t mind at all that our partner shares everything they share with us with others, what’s the point of the relationship? Nevertheless, the feeling of jealousy is frowned upon in Western and emancipated societies.

Krüger speaks of a kind of inability to cope with jealousy. “This is a phenomenon that originally occurred more frequently in men than in women. Nowadays, it’s not uncommon for women to also try to fight or suppress their intense jealousy.”

There’s usually a mechanism of repression behind this. “When you feel jealous, this feeling shows you that your happiness and well-being depend on your partner. Fewer and fewer people want to admit this emotional dependence or even see it as a sign of weakness. Often, it feels more emotionally comfortable for those affected to suppress or control their jealousy than to catch themselves feeling dependent.”

The dose makes the poison

However, this attempt at emotional escape usually doesn’t pay off. Even a lack of jealousy has its effect. “The partner you never fear will perhaps no longer feel important enough. They will lose the sense of uniqueness that otherwise keeps the relationship stable,” warns Krüger, explaining further: “Jealousy, like fear, is a warning signal. Nothing more and nothing less. In mild cases, these feelings help us recognize a threat.”

Only when they occur in an extreme form do they become, literally, poor advisors, corroding one’s psyche and, in most cases, one’s relationship life as well. In this case, you should definitely seek professional help to overcome your jealousy or get it under control as best as possible. “We must learn to deal with jealousy wisely. To do this, we must learn to strengthen our self-esteem and muster the courage to be sufficiently independent.”

According to expert Dr. Krüger, these steps are not only the most important answer to the demon of jealousy, but can also be implemented by anyone who wants to have a happy relationship.

Combating pathological jealousy: Helpful tips against emotional suspicion

Avoid insinuations: Your jealousy is often only in your head. Examine carefully whether you really have a reason for the negative feelings and fear, or whether you’ve perhaps overlooked certain situations. Unfounded insinuations often hurt and unsettle your partner.

Seek open conversations: Tell your partner about your jealousy and ask for help. If your partner knows the situations in which you react jealously, they can provide targeted reassurance and help you overcome your suspicions.

Boost your self-confidence: No one can hold a candle to you. Become aware of this fact, and you’ll fear competition less. Often, small gestures are enough: Make yourself look pretty, go to the gym, or go to the hairdresser. Once you feel more comfortable in your own skin, you’ll be less vulnerable.

Recognize the signs: Don’t let it get to the point where you react with jealousy. As soon as you notice unfounded jealousy rising up inside you, you should give this feeling a productive outlet. Ideally, you should discuss the issue with your partner early on.