Cheating, infidelity, or affairs put a strain on a relationship, but they don’t necessarily mean the end. Those who speak up, uncover the reasons, and practice forgiveness can learn from them. In this article, love coach Sandy Kaufmann reveals how you can process infidelity in your relationship and perhaps even forgive it.

In brief: Tips for dealing with infidelity 

• After finding out or confessing, take enough time to digest the shock and seek inner dialogue as well as conversation with friends, family or a therapist
• Afterwards, you and your partner should talk again calmly and look for reasons for the cheating
• If you are considering forgiving, it can help to acknowledge your own responsibility for the betrayal
• Couples who want to continue the relationship after cheating should agree and commit to a fresh start

How can you deal with cheating or an affair? 

In my work as a love coach , I am not only visited by couples who have to cope with an affair – I myself have also had to experience infidelity and affairs in my own relationships.

Just as every relationship is unique, so is every infidelity. However, there are phases, a pattern, and important questions that can help every couple:

How long does it take to get over infidelity?

Many of my couples or individuals ask me, “How long does it take to get over infidelity?” There’s no easy answer to this, but the process can be broken down into phases.

Phase 1: Digest the disappointment – ​​give yourself time!

First, you have to digest the shock and disappointment. An affair or infidelity destroys the trust in a relationship . 

The moment you find out, you feel betrayed and devastated. The pain is intense, and for now, it’s okay to feel that way—no matter how long it lasts. 

Phase 2: Seek inner dialogue and conversation

The phase of disappointment is the worst time to make a decision. Nevertheless, it has to come at some point, and the next step is: talk, talk, talk . Even if it’s hard.

Accept the shock, engage in an inner dialogue, and then talk to someone close to you. Trusted outsiders, such as therapists , can also help, because (mutual) friends are part of the relationship.

Maybe you could also move to a friend’s or family’s couch for a while to get some distance and clarity? 

Phase 3: Talk to your partner about cheating

Next comes the conversation with your partner. Ideally, this takes place some time after the confession—that is, after the first two phases.

It’s important for the conversation with your partner that you take stock of your entire relationship as a whole, not just the cheating episode. Consider who you are as individuals and as a couple. 

Consider whether the person before you is still the person with whom you had a good relationship and formed a team, and whether this is still possible for you. If so, now’s the time to work together:

How can a couple deal with infidelity?

Dealing with infidelity: Looking at the problem behind it

Cheating doesn’t just happen. It’s the result of a fundamental problem in the relationship .

Take the time to figure out what problem you were going through that you think might have caused this infidelity.

The following questions may help you in your considerations:

• What were the official reasons for the affair? What did the cheating partner tell you?
• What do you think are the unofficial reasons? That is, what he didn’t say, perhaps out of fear of hurting you, but what you might have guessed or sensed?

What is the reason why your partner is cheating?

The different types of infidelity

If infidelity occurs early in a relationship, for example, before living together , it may be because the cheating person has changed their mind about the relationship and has not taken the time to “properly inform” the other partner of their decision.

When infidelity occurs after several years of being in a relationship, it’s because the partner hasn’t found another solution to overcome a crisis in the relationship. It’s important to understand the underlying crisis and determine each partner’s willingness to overcome it.

Forgiving infidelity: Recognizing shared responsibility

When you understand why the infidelity occurred, forgiveness becomes easier. And the blame doesn’t lie solely with the person who committed the affair. There’s always a 50/50 split.

Ask yourself the following questions:

• Could my behavior have caused the affair?
• Did I nurture love or fuel fear in my relationship? For example, did I hint that I wasn’t happy in the relationship and might leave my partner?

When you acknowledge your share of responsibility—and I know this is the hardest thing to do—it is easier to forgive and resume a relationship with the same partner, BUT on a new basis.

When is it worth forgiving infidelity?

Can a relationship work again after an affair?

You have to decide for yourself whether it is worth saving the existing relationship. 

Before you invest time and energy in the process of rebuilding the relationship , which can be time-consuming and may not be successful, consider whether the relationship you had with him was your ideal. Whether your needs and boundaries were respected, and whether this relationship has real potential for the future .

You can ask yourself the following question:

• Do his or her characteristics match what you are looking for in a partner?
• Can you fully accept his or her weaknesses?
• Do you want the same in your relationship?
• Do you have compatible life projects?
• What do you think is going wrong in your relationship?
• What do you like and dislike about the relationship?

And if your answer to the question of whether it’s worth the work isn’t a big and clear YES… could it be that you want to continue the relationship out of automatism rather than love?

Can a relationship still work after cheating?

If you want to forgive, make the decision together to start a new relationship

For it to really work, you have to understand the mistakes you’ve made and consciously decide to act differently. Which can be difficult if you ‘ve already developed your habits with someone.

To help you in this process, I suggest that you clearly list what you want to change/improve in your relationship and commit to it with concrete actions.

Trust will slowly return over time. As you see the relationship improving and the other person making efforts to save it, your fears will fade.

It is also important to communicate your needs clearly to ensure that the other person does not relapse.