Hi Parents, how are you doing as a couple? Are you still having fun together, or do you argue often? Are sleepless nights and the baby’s crying getting on your nerves? Do you still have time for intimacy? Or maybe you need some ideas on how to keep your relationship happy despite having a child and the stress? Editor Linda and an expert share tips for a happy partnership.

Strengthen your relationship as a couple with children. Here’s how:

• Creating new routines within the family
• Building an intimate father-child relationship 
• Key role of mothers: trust 
• Desire for intimacy – there should be no pressure here
• Create small breaks and couple conversations in everyday life
• Planning childcare is useful

I, too, imagined it all a little differently. Maybe not quite as rosy as some social media supermoms would have me believe. But still somehow romantic.

I thought a good relationship was possible despite having children—or perhaps even because of them. That’s how you become a real family. We’re now a happy threesome. But instead, as a couple, you’re often haunted by a vague feeling of “losing sight of each other.”

A child changes everything in the relationship: creating routine

And so, when our child was born, my partner and I experienced the same thing as many other couples: “The birth of a child puts the relationship to the test,” says family therapist Marion Sontheim. Suddenly, everything is different. Everyday routines, but above all, relationship dynamics and role models, have to be rediscovered.

The expert explains: “In the past, we were part of larger groups and clans, and thus  became familiar with the topic of parenting at an early age. In every era , women who became mothers had already raised many cousins, siblings, and other children. Furthermore, mothers were always part of a community after giving birth. Today, the first child we hold in our arms is often our own. And instead of being part of a community, many feel completely alone.”

I experienced this feeling myself: Suddenly I was a mother. And I felt helpless. And my partner? He became the target of my irritability, tiredness, and anxiety. Especially after the birth,  arguments were the order of the day. Often there wasn’t even a good reason for the conflicts – he tried to do everything right and help me with lots of things. But since life was so new to us, we weren’t quite attuned yet, and things weren’t exactly harmonious. Besides, my husband had to go back to work soon ; I felt alone. 

It takes some time to find a new routine as a couple and as parents, one that everyone is happy with. But it usually comes naturally. 

Intensive mother-child relationship a change for fathers

The birth of a child and the naturally more intense relationship between mother and child in the beginning also presents new challenges for fathers . Now there’s this little human being who demands most of their partner’s attention, affection, and time. Sontheim says: “Fathers must learn to find their own way with the baby and build a close relationship with their child. This is where mothers play a key role: The more they let their partner take over, the more this little being becomes something that connects a couple instead of creating distance.”

I can confirm: This is sometimes easier said than done. As a mother, you quickly believe you’re the only one who knows what’s good and right for your baby. But I also know: Sontheim is right. And if you, as a mother, allow dad and baby to “do their own thing,” it also has a very special benefit—namely, a little time out for yourself.

Taboo subject of togetherness in bed: What changes with a child?

And then there’s the topic no one likes to talk about. Many young parents know in advance that they won’t feel much like being intimate in the first few weeks after giving birth . But when will everything finally be “normal” again? Dear couples, that’s up to you. Affection doesn’t come naturally—either with or without a child. Pain—from breastfeeding  , for example —and sleep deprivation don’t exactly make it easier. “Many women also tell me that their minds are completely filled with the baby,” says Sontheim. 

Of course, having a child brings even more responsibilities, stress, and exhaustion into everyday life. Whether a couple desires physical contact and intimacy depends on entirely different factors, such as their own self-esteem . Only those who feel good and attractive actually desire it. Sontheim also knows: “After postpartum bleeding, many days at home in comfortable clothes, constant diaper changes, and vomit on their shoulders—who feels attractive anymore?” Probably no one. 

Time and commitment: How to regain the desire for

Many women try to escape this mommy trap and get well-styled, slim, and looking great again as quickly as possible. “The idea is well-intentioned, but it creates more pressure than desire. So I try to discuss with couples who actually needs what. Is it for affection, attention, or intimacy?” Short cuddles can be a good start.

What also helps is time and trust. Expert Sontheim often asks her clients the following question in this context: “If I could assure you that your physical affection for each other would slowly recover over the coming year, would you still have a problem?” And lo and behold: For many couples, this optimism already leads to more relaxation. And thus, the foundation for any kind of intimate atmosphere.

The time and leisure to take more care of yourself

The same applies to your self-esteem: The birth of a child is a huge change—both mentally and physically. Take your time to get used to it. A pregnancy lasts nine months. So why should the transition to a new life suddenly happen overnight? The time and leisure to be able to take better care of yourself again will come. Sooner or later. I promise!

Avoiding crises through We-Time: Time out in everyday life

Can a crisis be avoided in advance? Sontheim believes that the only way to avoid unpleasant surprises is to talk as much as possible beforehand. Before the birth, for example, you could discuss how you imagine your partner as a mother or father: What are your wishes and expectations? What was your childhood like? All the values ​​that held sway in these two families now need to be brought together, reconsidered, and sorted out.

And what about real “we-time”? Those who want to remain a couple despite having children need these moments just the two of them. It’s impossible without them. These moments don’t have to last long—it doesn’t have to involve an hour-long trip to a restaurant or the cinema. Regularity is more important. Consciously set aside a few minutes each day (even if it’s just ten) to dedicate exclusively to each other.

You can discuss what’s on your mind. Or even just cuddle for a bit. The important thing is that it’s about your mutual affection, rather than typical everyday to-dos like “Have you taken out the trash yet?” It’s better to sit down together quietly and discuss again and again: “Is what I’m doing right now valuable to you?” And if not, “What can I do instead?”

If you treat yourself to a free evening with a babysitter every now and then, you are also giving the relationship the time and attention it deserves.

Childcare: Who stays at home and for how long?

It’s also a good idea to discuss how you want to arrange childcare in advance . But here, too, it’s important to remember that plans can change. “If one partner goes back to work but isn’t ready to be separated from their child, and the other misses their job but then stays at home with their child, this doesn’t make sense either. Agreements should therefore be reviewed regularly,” says the expert. 

From experience, I can say: A child may put a relationship to the test. But it’s also one of the most beautiful bonds between two people. You’ve now become parents. And this honorable task is the most enjoyable when you’re a loving couple.